To Be a Super Saiyan
by Super Chocolate Bear
Summary: Goku thinks about the nature of being a Super Saiyan.


Disclaimer: I don't own _Dragonball/Z/GT._

**_To Be a Super Saiyan_**

Heya, I'm Son Goku, and I'm from the planet Earth. Well, I guess I'm actually from the planet Vegeta, though I've never really thought of myself as a Saiyan. It doesn't matter what Raditz said or what Vegeta calls me. Even though I can turn into a Super Saiyan, I'm still human. I remember Krillin saying once that everyone's human in their own way, no matter what planet they're from. Vegeta yelled at him for saying that.

Y'know, to this day, I'm not sure what causes it. Turning into a Super Saiyan, I mean. Fury, rage, anger… uh, but I guess that's all the same thing, when I think about it. Come to think of it, I only know how two people turned into Super Saiyans; me, and Gohan.

I don't remember much of how it happened; whenever I think about it, I just feel this… rage, y'know? I remember Freeza attacking Piccolo, and then he killed Krillin, and then… nothin'.

After I came home, Gohan told me that I was saying something right before I transformed, but I've never been able to remember what. Maybe I was swearin' revenge against Freeza. Maybe I was telling Gohan to get away. All I remember was that afterwards, I wanted so badly to kill Freeza with my own two hands. I'd never felt that before, not in my entire life. Yeah, I've killed people in battle, but I've never _wanted _to before. I've never felt the need to see my opponent dead at my feet.

But I did on that day.

To be honest, I wasn't really aware that I'd changed. I just knew I had power now, more power than Freeza could ever have. Power to make Freeza pay for everything he'd done to me. And, as much as I don't like to admit it, at that moment, I was only thinking about what he'd done to me. I knew what he'd done to the people of the planet Namek and the Saiyans, but I all I could think about was how he'd hurt _me_.

Vegeta.

Piccolo.

And then, Krillin, who for all I knew at the time was gone for good.

I barely noticed Gohan. I told him to leave, and when he didn't, I almost attacked him. I definitely wanted to, and that was something that'd _never _happened to me before.

Yeah, I know that I've attacked him, blasted him, hit him and injured him, but that was training. He's done the same to me. It wasn't a matter of whether or not we wanted to; we just did it because we had to. But after that first transformation, all I had in my heart was anger and hate. And whoever got in my way would have felt it.

And that included my son.

It must have been some instinctual Saiyan thing, like going Oozaru. That's probably why Vegeta found it so easy to adapt to being a Super Saiyan when he first transformed. But for me, on Namek, I was struggling to hold on to who I was. And the more Freeza talked, the more of myself I lost.

It was Kaio-sama's voice in my head, I remember, that brought meback; that gave me the strength to fight off my Saiyan instincts. He was warning me not to let Freeza get to one hundred percent power. And that's when my goal changed from wanting to _kill _Freeza to wanting to _break _him. To fight him at his full strength and beat him anyway; to show him that now there was somebody who was stronger, faster… somebody who was _better _than he was.

After the battle, while I was on Yardrat, I spent as much time as I could practising it; trying to control my Saiyan instincts, which became so much more powerful when I transformed.

That struggle was why I was so surprised that someone as young as Trunks could be a Super Saiyan. For someone to go through that kind of experience and still be as calm and collected as he was… I just knew he must have had a great sensei.

And you know what? He did.

My son, the great warrior. It was strange to hear Trunks talking about him like that, and it was his words that got me thinking that maybe Gohan could be the one to outshine us all.

But I didn't want to. I remembered what turning into a Super Saiyan had done to me. Not that I didn't have faith in Gohan; if anyone could pull it off without a hitch, it would be my son.

It might sound kinda strange coming from me, considering how much I've beaten him up during training sessions. But… he _is _my son. I _am_ his dad. It just… comes with the territory, I guess. I didn't want to put him through that, and I knew that Chi-Chi wouldn't.

Actually, I remember talking to Piccolo about it while we were training for the androids.

He was meditating next to a waterfall Gohan and I would go to for fish. And they were good fish, too… succulent, juicy, and just _one_ of them was big enough to fill you up 'til you just thought you'd pop…

…anyway…

Piccolo was meditating next to the waterfall. It was after a pretty tiring day of training for Gohan, who was sound asleep back at the house. Ox King had come over for a visit, and I noticed that Piccolo wasn't around, so I had gone looking for him.

Now, usually I don't like interrupting him while he's meditating; aside from how much it messes up his strength levels for the next day, it makes him all cranky. That is, crankier than usual. But, it turned out I didn't have to do anything; he started for me.

"Is there a problem?"

I was a bit shocked, especially since I was about to poke him in the arm to get his attention. Hell, he didn't even open his eyes when he spoke.

I rubbed the back of my head nervously, trying to think of how to talk about it. I wasn't very good with this sort of thing. To be honest, it never really occurred to me much. When I wanted to do something, I did it, and that was that. I never really thought about what would happen afterwards.

I sat down cross legged next to him. Chi-Chi tells me that I do it all the time when I want to think, but I never noticed.

"It's about Gohan," I said. I guessed the easiest way to do it would be to just jump right in.

Piccolo opened his eyes to look down at me from where he was floating. "What about him?"

"Well… something Trunks said got me thinking."

"About the Gohan in the future?"

I nodded.

"What is it?"

There was a rock poking at my butt on the ground, and I shifted around to try and get comfortable. I never really noticed stuff like that before; I didn't really know why it was bothering me then.

"Trunks was really in control of his Super Saiyan Ki."

"And?"

"I'm just sayin'. That's not easy, especially for someone as young as him."

"Did _you_ struggle to control it on Planet Namek?"

"…I almost attacked Gohan when he wouldn't leave."

Piccolo didn't say anything for awhile. Then;

"I see."

He was quiet again.

"What's your point in all this, Son? Are you afraid you'll attack him when you next become a Super Saiyan?"

"No, no, nothing like that. I just… for someone as young as Trunks to have that much control, he must've been taught _how_. And, if you think about it, the only way anyone could teach him that was-"

"-if they were also a Super Saiyan."

"Right."

"… what exactly do you mean by 'control'? Is there too much power?"

"No, no, it's… it's more like… see, the Saiyan instinct is to fight, yeah?"

Piccolo didn't say anything or even nod. He could be kinda weird like that sometimes.

"But usually it comes out as just… we _like _to fight. I mean, I know _I_ do, and I know Vegeta does, and I know Gohan does. 'Course, I don't know about Trunks, but-"

"Son. Your point?"

I sighed. "When I turned into a Super Saiyan, my urge to fight got so intense. I mean, I wanted to just _fight_ and _fight_ and _fight_ until either I died or Freeza did."

Piccolo nodded, looking like he understood. "And you're afraid Gohan would lose control if he became a Super Saiyan."

I just nodded that time. No point in talking when I didn't need to.

"What makes you think that he would lose control, Son?"

That rock was really making an enemy out of me. I shifted on the ground again.

"I dunno. Maybe it's because the other Gohan… y'know, Trunks' Gohan, lost to the androids."

"As we all did in Trunks' future. I don't see how that would mean anything."

"I guess…"

The rock was really pissing me off by that point. I reached under and couldn't find anything there. I shuffled around again, hoping that maybe I'd managed to move it.

"…but…" I sighed. "I dunno. Maybe it _is _something else. Maybe I'm just bein' stupid."

"Or perhaps you're worrying about your offspring, as any father would."

I didn't reply; the rock was getting even more uncomfortable, if that was actually possible.

"Let me put it this way. For you to become a Super Saiyan, you had to go through severe pain and loss. And even once you _had_ transformed, you had to fight to keep your very sanity. As hard as it may be for you to believe, you may simply be trying to spare your son those same hardships."

"You don't think I'm sellin' him short? Because, y'know, it's not that I don't think he _could_, it's just-"

"Son. You are not 'selling him short'. In fact, you are doing quite the opposite."

"Okay… I get that, but… what if he has to? Do you think I'll be able to-"

"Without a doubt, Son Goku. Without a doubt." He closed his eyes and got back to meditating.

I took that as my cue to leave, and got up to go. What was weird was that there wasn't a rock on the ground at all. I'm still confused about that to this day.

"Y'know, Piccolo – you'd make a pretty good Kami-sama."

He didn't say anything to that. His face just took on this weird look like he'd eaten a sour apple or something.

But anyway, that was that. The androids came and went, and then it was Cell, and now Buu…

And Gohan ended up becoming a Super Saiyan anyway. Y'know, when I actually think about the past (which doesn't happen a lot), I wonder if maybe the reason it took Gohan so long to transform in the Room of Spirit and Time was because I was dragging it out for as long as I could, even though I knew it was the only way. I knew that Gohan would be more powerful than all of us if he became a Super Saiyan, but I still struggled to make myself do it.

Maybe that's why I liked the idea of mastering the Super Saiyan form. By staying transformed all the time until it became natural, I guess in my head it kinda helped to soften the blow on Gohan, even though he didn't seem too affected by it.

Geez… now that I think about it even _more_, maybe that's why I trained so much in the afterlife to get to Super Saiyan 2 and 3. I mean, not _completely_ (I do kinda like fighting, y'know), but maybe a part of me wanted to master those forms so that if Gohan went through them, I'd be able to help him.

But, I guess… when I _really _get down to it… it's because, for me, becoming a Super Saiyan meant almost losing everything I am _just_ so I could win. And that's not something I would want to encourage from Gohan or Goten.

Actually… forget about all that.

Y'see? There's a reason I don't think about this stuff all the time. If I did, I'd never do _anything_. I wasn't thinking when I first transformed into a Super Saiyan, I wasn't thinking when I forced Gohan to fight Cell and transform into a Super Saiyan 2, and I wasn't thinking when I trained in the afterlife and reached Super Saiyan 3. And I probably won't be thinking if I reach Super Saiyan 4, if it's out there.

In fact… the only time I _have _thought about this stuff is when my family and friends have to do what I've done. And that's probably why I'm thinking so hard now as I'm watching Gohan in battle against Buu. _I'm_ used to training with some higher being and then jumping headfirst into danger, and now I'm watching my son do it instead.

Now I know what Chi-Chi gets so worried about.

But… while I'm watching him, I'm beginning to wonder whether it's the golden hair and the green eyes that make someone a Super Saiyan, or if it's something else. Something that just _shows _itself that way, but is actually something inside. After all, Gohan looks normal and he's knocking Buu about like he's nothing, something a Super Saiyan couldn't do.

There I go, thinking again. It's so much harder to watch this stuff than it is to actually be doing the fighting. I wish I could go down there and fight for him.

But what're the odds of that happening, huh?

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(A/N: I got the idea for this little ditty from a discussion Yajirobe and Kame had in the Anime rather than the Manga. During the episode after Goku's first transformation into a Super Saiyan, Kame says something to the effect that Goku is fighting to hold on to who he is in the wake of such unfathomable power.

That concept really got me interested in what being a Super Saiyan does to a guy (or gal, although I don't think we've seen that), and how someone (even as absent minded as Goku) would feel about others close to them making such a transformation. It wasn't really touched upon after the Freeza saga ended, and when everybody and their grandmother turned into a Super Saiyan, the point became kind of moot anyway.

But anyway, enough of my rambling. Reviews, please!)


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